The Legend of Helda:Ma Jerka's Mask
by Phantom Pheather
Summary: The story of Majora's Mask...only different. Involving Floras, Dorku Scrubs, the Phone Tower Temple, a giant rolling Coht, and other infamous unknown things...


Legend of Helda: Ma Jerka's Mask, as told by Bink, a former Kokiri who turned out to be a Hylian that managed to save the world from the dark power of the Triforce and Gannon (add "dorf" if you want).

Odolwa, Twinmold, Gyorg

Our Hero (Bink) awakens after being toyed with by the Dull Kid. After all, the Dull kid had stumbled upon Ma Jerka's mask, which granted him ungodly godlike powers. The Dull Kid had turned Bink into a Dorku Scrub, harnessing these powers.

So Bink, as a Dorku Scrub had to get the Ocarina of Lime, a mystical instrument that could not only play magical songs but also instantly provide large and pointless amounts of freshly squeezed key lime juice. With this mystical instrument, he could go back in time, speed it up, or slow it down, with help and hints from the Swearcrow. "Goddammit Bink," he would say, "if you play the fucking song like this, you can get some bloody cool results, got that?"

Armed with this information, the Master Fork and the Hero's Plate, he went to the Windfall Temple and was able to obtain the Hero's Bow. He was able to defeat Odolwa with some cunning and a bit of beating the crap out of people. With this new weapon (Hero's Bow), he was able to obtain the Lens of Tooth, with which he could see the Tooth Fairy and other invisible things (like those smudges on people's glasses. I hate that! You can't see because of some cursed speck that isn't there when you look at it from outside!). He was able to put a Boron ghost to rest, thereby obtaining the Boron Mask, enabling him to turn into a Boron with the incredible power to bore people to death. From here he went to the Snowfall Temple, where he obtained the Tire Arrows, a flaming tire that could conveniently melt even centuries old formations in seconds. He then defeated Coat. While running away from the temple, (after all, opposing a giant mechanical goat does not induce a long life), he came upon a farm, Romani Farm, where he was reunited with his thought long-lost pony, Trombona, the only trombone playing horse in the world (hell, probably the whole fucking UNIVERSE!). Since he had beaten the Snowfall Temple, he was able to obtain the Razor Fork which could be easily upgraded with a bit of Old Dust, won from the Boron Races with access granted by the Powder Egg, into the Gilded Fork, which could easily be obtained (but NOT a decent cup of coffee, which one needs after beating two huge temples, not to mention running a sprint for who-knows-how-long the player sprinted poor Bink). 

Bink then came upon a dying Flora, by the Great Hay, a flowery race known for their incredible ability to sort of spasm around uselessly under water. He was able to enter The Noodle Fortress, from which he obtained the Cookshot, able to both deep-fry teriyaki in seconds AND grab distant objects. He gained access to the Great Hay Temple, from which he got the Rice Arrows, arrows that showered rice behind them (great for weddings) and froze things. He beat Gyorg and came upon the Ikana Castle Ruins, which gave him the Leerer Shield, which reflects not only any light but also any ugly looks you get! He then entered the Phone Tower Temple, where he received the Bite Arrows, which, when actually clamped down on anything, gave off blinding flashes of light. He defeated Twinmold, the infamous giant pile of double mold, with the Why-Aunt Mask, and went back to Sock Town for another confrontation with Dull Kid. Using a new summoning he had learned, Bink managed to summon four giants and be taken to the moon (what the hell?), where he was forced to give his masks to annoying, pale-faced, unfriendly little kids. And THEN, one of them had the nerve to ask Bink to play Heroes and Villains, with Bink the bloody VILLAIN! Well, Bink agreed, just to see the snot beaten out of the shrimp with Bink's new (and improved) Poni Mask. Well, the kid was wearin' Ma Jerka's Mask, so Bink ended up beatin' the shit out of the shrimp with a fancy tattooed face, a bloody cool double-helix sword, and a little help from Chateau Romani.

The moral to the story: Never get changed into a Dorku scrub by Dull Kid who happens to be wearing a Jerka's mask and steals/kills your pony, then forces you to steal a magical instrument, which, might I mention, belonged to you in the first place, then go through four BIG fucking temple then defeat 4 bad-ass baddies, who, might I also mention, happen to be roughly six or seven times your size _at least_ and in SOME CASES there are TWO of the damned things you must beat down, THEN go Back in time and call Why-Aunts from no where to do something that takes you to the moon which has a bloody atmosphere, which, to add insult to injury, also happens to be the inhabitance of five pale, snotty kids who want to FIRST steal your masks and THEN play Heroes and Villains, in which the Hero cheats and turns into FIVE fucking heroes and all you get to do is basically triple in size, get a face lift, dye your hair a whitish-white, and get a bloody cool double-helix sword, UNLESS you have some Chateau Romani on hand!


End file.
